Saturday, 14 November 2009

Day 326 - A little bit of Hope ... for the best or for the worst?

“Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Hope was personified in Greek mythology as Elpis. When Pandora opened Pandora’s Box, she let out all the evils except one: hope. Apparently, the Greeks considered hope to be as dangerous as all the world's evils. But without hope to accompany all their troubles, humanity was filled with despair. It was a great relief when Pandora revisited her box and let out hope as well. It may be worthy to note that in the story, hope is represented as weakly leaving the box but is in effect far more potent than any of the major evils.

In 'Human, All Too Human', philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche argued that "Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment.”*


Once again, I have been relatively silent for a couple of weeks. I don’t have anything to report. Or should I say I do? I still have a headache. It has oscillated between 3 and 4 so I can’t really complain. I have been keeping myself busy as I have now managed to start working again - it feels great to finally do something I enjoy (with a constant headache nonetheless).

I keep on wondering, though, who I should ‘warn’ about my headache. It’s a hard decision to make especially in a work environment - what if once you tell those you work with they don’t see you in the same light anymore? What if they worry you’ll call off sick the whole time if the strong attacks return? Is it wise to tell your colleagues about it? Probably not?

Who would you tell if you had a constant headache? Would you tell everyone about it so that they could try and understand (although as far as I am concerned no one ever will) what it is like?

I am torn between telling people and keeping it as a secret. It has got to a point where when I earn some money I am happy that I finally have some cash ‘for me and the headache’. The headache has virtually become my child. I need to earn money to keep the headache at bay, as if it were a little person living with me, someone else I need to look after. Acupuncture, supplements, kinesiologist... / Nappies, baby food, clothes... We’re not too far off when it comes to comparing the two.

On the one hand, I feel I want people to know about my headache for a number of reasons; first of all, maybe they know someone who is living or has lived through a similar thing - perhaps they could put me in touch with them and they will give me the ‘solution’? This is where I always feel there’s a bit of hope. A feeling that I have harboured for 11 months. For the best or for the worst? The feeling is always there but it's constantly being poked at with disappointment.

Secondly, I feel that I should tell people so that if at times I am in an irascible mood then they will know why. I always try my best not to let the headache affect my relationship with others but sometimes it is hard. When you think your head is going to explode and someone is talking to you about something you perhaps don’t even want to listen to because they are so boring and you wish nothing else but for them to disappear and for you to slowly sink into the ground, then it’s hard not to be querulous and lose your patience with them (yes, it has happened to me on a number of occasions).

Having said that, other times I would rather people not know about my headache. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me and to treat me differently. Why should they?

Since the headache started 11 months ago, when meeting someone new, I have always told myself that they will never know what I am really like as the headache sometimes affects my behaviour; at times it transforms me into someone I am not and I hate it for that. Nonetheless, deep down I know that who I am is really still me and that they should like me whether I have a headache or not. But I can’t avoid thinking about whether I would act differently around them were I not to have a headache.